My Dating Life Is Under Arrest

The Second One was an alcoholic. 6 months after I broke up with him, he has coffee with me. He originally asked me to get a drink but then texted me the next morning to say coffee instead. He bikes up to the shop. The Second One looks sheepish and handsome which is not unusual. We toss a few biting barbs as our way of saying hello-the wounds are still fresh from each other and an easy target in which to pour some salt. 

Then he tells me about his second DUI he just got. 

No wonder we’re getting coffee. 

He had been “hanging out with his friend Richard” earlier he says with a slight wink in his voice, hinting that hanging out may or may not have included clothes being worn. They were drinking all morning and TSO thought he could still drive to work his shift as a barista. In front of the store there are about 6 places in a row for parallel parking. He whips around the corner and plows the sides of all 6 cars. 

He wants sympathy and acceptance. He has God for that. I just feel sad. 

Fast forward about two years. I’ve moved back to my town. I’m swiping away for distraction and entertainment and good ol’ Texas boys. There’s a cop that seems very upright and quiet and has really deep brown eyes. He’s adamant that he should get to know me. We spend a few dates together talking about music and such. He seems a little…slow…but sometimes you just need someone around to make out with. And boy does Cop fill that bill. We have great chemistry. He’s very tempting. He also works nights and is a bad texter, and his family dynamics seem strange, and he doesn’t really have any true friends, and wait-is that racist/sexist/bigoted shit coming out of his mouth? He keeps trying to nail me down and make it official. I dip and dodge and eventually sort of agree. One week later I never hear from again. After he begged, y’all. Makes no sense. 

The best part though? It turns out Cop was heading to a trial of a guy he arrested 1.5 years ago for a second DUI. Turns out that guy was TSO. TSO was suing Cop for a technicality. I dated the guy who arrested my ex. My ex sued a new guy I dated in order to be able to leave the state to move in with his new boyfriend in NYC. 

Dear Lord, why am I even trying? 


Gap Year: Just Start Swiping

I should mention that I also had convinced myself that my (potential) husband was in Chicago. He was/is there waiting for someone just like me. He’s randomly gonna bump into me while he’s in a perfectly fitting peacoat, perfect jeans, fitted hat and Timbs. So obviously I was/am ready to get to him.

 So here I am sleeping in my mom’s childhood bedroom, spending my days blowing through my “savings” on chai lattes while I apply for jobs and spending my nights watching bravo and SWIPING!

 Yes… SWIPING… yes, on Tinder.

  The thing about Tinder is it’s the epitome of instant gratification.  And for an unemployed 20-something at the peak of her quarter life crisis anything that makes you feel wanted is worth a try.

I was so hesitant at first. It’s the internet! ONLY weirdos need the internet to find dates. Even though I didn’t feel like it at the time, I was still reminding myself that I was a smart, pretty, witty girl and I DID NOT need no damn dating app to find a man!

 “Just start swiping!” said my friend that should be a tinder brand ambassador. NO! Really she’s probably gone on at least 50-60 tinder dates. “It’s fun! You have nothing to lose and plus you can’t afford to take yourself out to eat.”

 With reassurance that “everyone” was swiping and the appeal of free food plus an excuse to put on makeup and real clothes was reason enough to do it.

And swipe I did! Lawd….

What felt like 100,000 subpar conversations and 1 horrible awkward date later (he had on Gucci shoes and LV belt! Yuck!)

 I finally matched with Handy.


 Honey Never Rots