Love. And Faith. And Real Real Life.

We don’t agree on very much. He was raised differently than me. His step dad didn’t like how the Catholic church put their heads in the sand when they realized they had a chronic and pervasive rape culture. So they stopped going. He doesn’t really “think about religion at all really”. He believes “there’s a God, but i’ve done everything on my own. I don’t regret anything. I’m here now and living and seeking out all of these new things”.

I get all of that. Truly.

Except I don’t believe him. He’s constantly seeking the approval of his dad, and step dad, and male mentors. Father figures weren’t really present. He’s reaching out and getting rejected. Pretending it doesn’t sting.

He’s constantly seeking the next thing. The next high. The next night. He still “parties”. He says the word “party” as though its still a verb. He’s always wanting adventure. Acts like the settled, wholesome things are boring. And then he does them…and he adores it. The constancy, the safety.

Me? I’m no better. I worry. Constantly. I overthink and I doubt and I get frustrated and my temper is pretty nuts. I’m not easy.

But I do know that I have the perfect Father. Constant, omniscient, everlasting, never changing. I know there is freedom in my identity in God. It’s not bondage, its everlasting love and grace. It’s all encompassing. It’s life-giving! It’s not a set of rules, it’s beautiful beautiful love. It’s understanding that our current cultural zeitgeist of “whatever feels right to you!” is fleeting and inherently selfish. There’s no love in solely living for yourself. Eventually, all that is, is madness.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

C.S. Lewis

So, I’m worried. How will we move forward? Will he be able to respect that I truly mean what I say when I say I’m a believer? When I told him that I’ve dated men who didn’t go to church with me, that didn’t want to learn that side of me and that it was awful, did he hear me? That it was awful for both of us. Will he get that? Will he try?

Because I get him. How can we know for sure? Why would bad things continue to happen? Why do people who profess to know Him do the things they do?

But. All of that darkness. It indicates that there is light. There’s hope in the need for someone bigger than us. A personal relationship. A nothing-we-can-do-to-earn-it gift of pure, life-giving, love.

So, I’ll have faith. And I will love.

My Concerns With Love

Things I’m Worried About

He believes in God but doesn’t know what that means for him.
Uh, nope. Been there, done that. It’s one of my very few deal breakers. I dated someone previously who wasn’t open to it at all. I hated not going to church with someone. I hated that he didn’t/couldn’t try to see why it was so important to me. If you can’t love God/know God, how can you love and know His daughter? I base my entire life off of the bible and God’s promises and directions. I told him as much.
Responds with: Well, I’d still like to try. I hear that you’re wanting someone that sees at least the same shade of blue. Could I come see you in (your hometown) and go to church with you?

Well, ok.

He parties a lot. Drunk eyes, forgetting that he sent snapchats, partying partying. Still calls it “partying”. Who does that at his age? Show restraint and caring for your body and also for others around you. For other peoples’ perceptions. For your safety. For respect. Seriously, so many reasons.
I don’t laugh when he is giggling and telling me that part of his weekend. I ignore the behavior and respond positively to the other good parts.
Responds with: telling me all of the nice things he said about me to his friends and them saying how much they’d like to meet me and would I want to go camping with them all. In two months.

That’s it. Those are my concerns.

Oh yea, and he thinks I’m going to change with.
My response: Hell yeah. Love changes people. Welcome to life, friend.

Trivial Pursuit of my Heart? Brain? Apathy?

I play trivia on a Thursday nights with a bunch of my girlfriends from church. Earlier this summer I thought I recognized the host as the best friend to the almost pastor with a hint of Aspergers that I dated once or twice (he was nice enough but so not a good fit for me). After 2 beers in, I Snapchat Aspergers Pastor and ask him if Trivia Host is his friend-he snaps back and says to tell TH hi and how he loves him. I call TH over to our table and replay the snap. He goes “oh nice! Tell him I love him too. Who are you? How do you know AP?” 

“Uhhh we dated a bit. I’m LeDistraire”

2 weeks later I get a Facebook message from Trivia Host:  

I realize this is pretty informal and out of left field, but I was just wondering if you would be at all interested in going to dinner some time. No pressure. If you’re not interested, then you’re not interested and that’s perfectly fine. Just wanted to see if that would be something you’d like to do.

It was cute enough. He gets my number, calls me, and sets up a time to meet. 

I’m not super excited as he seems a little too goofy and gangly for me. I end up super late to our date as I’m at a wine tasting for work. I’m also a lil drunk. Turns out he doesn’t drink and he wants to be a youth minister. I literally don’t understand how you can do both of those things. He asks me question after question and seems nervous. He’s smart though and very witty. It’s a fairly nice date. 

But then I head off to Europe with my friend. I figured I’d let it fizzle. I’m off doing adventurous things and I know I want someone that can match me in boldness in life. It’s probably not Trivia Host. He doesn’t even like Chick Fil A sauce.

But then his friend, the other guy I dated, messages me. Basically begging me to give Trivia Host a chance because he’s witty and the nicest guy he’s ever known. So I do. We go on a few more dates. He makes a perfect playlist and sets up speakers and dances with me in the middle of a gazebo. I break his SIX YEAR KISSING DRY SPELL. I didn’t know that or I wouldn’t have. Yikes! He truly is witty and nice. I slowly start to feel less and less attracted to him though.

Eventually, I look at him and see a weeny. Someone that hunches his shoulders and makes goofy faces and never works out. He seems like a kid brother.

I end things. We stay friends. It’s the first time I’ve stayed friends with someone that was falling for me. I give him advice on other girls. He gives me a birthday present when I turn 25. Sometimes I wish that I could like him in a real way. I don’t. But I know that if that changes, i’ll have to “beg to get him back. I’m not some easy floozy ya know?” (his words).

So, anyone need a nice guy? 

A few questions to determine if I should make out with him or not

Do I want to?
Does he want to?
Did I taste test 9 different wine for a friend’s upcoming nuptials?
Did I break up with someone who was in love with me?
When people find out we ended things, do they say “Oh! But he was so handsome!”?
Have I read articles on Thought Catalog like “What It Feels Like To Date Someone More Beautiful Than You”?
Have I gone on 3 different dates with 3 different guys in the last 3 days?
Did I meet 2 of the guys on Tinder?
Is my best friend celebrating her one year anniversary with a man that is tall, handsome, an officer in the military, plays the piano, loves to dance, loves to read, and loves her?

Did I start a blog to write about my love life as a means of catharsis?

Is that what this is actually about instead of making out?